Empty Apartment

So, haven't blogged in a long time. Well, like a week but I haven't really had much to say. So I have a feeling this blog will just be me rambling, but isn't that what a blog is? Someone rambling on and on about their life when people really don't care, or read.
So nothing has really changed in my life in the last week. I have been going to school and hanging out with friends and just enjoying the beautiful weather that has been provided to us from the sun.
Washington has been a good 50+ degrees lately and it has been amazing. I've been seeing a psychiatrist which is nice. She helps me with ways to handle my anxiety. She also helps me come to terms about things that I am still mad about that I have been keeping inside. Most of the things I haven't thought about in years really but I still kept it inside and it ate at me for so long. That's why I think this winter when my anxiety got so bad was because my body couldn't take it anymore. There was just so much and I couldn't handle it anymore and I broke. But now I am fixing myself. Picking up the pieces and fitting them back together in the puzzle called life.
I have learned to forgive those that have hurt me in the past. I have not completely gotten passed all of it but I am working on it with therapy and God. He really has changed my life for the better. People wonder why God has let them down but He hasn't, to receive you have to believe and when you believe that means that you know what you pray about you have already received but it hasn't made an appearance in your life yet. You may not get the answer you wanted but in the long run, things work out. People ask why God lets bad things happen to them, but in the end doesn't it just make you stronger? That is the whole point, God sifts us like wheat so that we can show we are truly worth His love. He put himself in flesh form just to be crucified for US! It is so amazing what He has done for us. People ask why there are bad things if God loves us so much, God gave us free will and the materials we need to survive. From there it is us, humans, who chose what we do with those materials. It was not God who came into the Forza coffee shop and shot four officers point blank. It was a hardened man, who did not know God, he made a choice to take something that man made and kill those innocent officers. That was his choice and in a sick twisted way the tragedy brought people closer to God and closer together. We have learned from these mistakes and all we can do is pray that their souls are saved. Someone once said you can not have good without bad but you can have bad without good. I believe in that to the fullest. Sin is our nature and that is where the world turns into a not so pretty place. I am not trying to push this thinking on anyone but I do want everyone to know how amazing He is. If you just let Him in and overwhelm your life, you will not be sorry. At one point in time I thought that God was just something we all made up in our minds but I see the light now. And if I could still believe after what I have been through I know that anyone can believe. Give it a chance. He loves you. He really does.
"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek Him." Hebrews 11:6

Dancing with myself

Today, has been one of those days.
The ones where you think about your life. How far you have come and what you have to show for it.
In some aspects I have a lot to show but in others I fall short.
When it comes to a social life, I am lacking greatly. I used to be a social butterfly. I knew so many people but I feel like I retracted. Causing me to now not have as many people to lean on.
My two best friends don't even talk to me as much anymore. That is not their fault at all but I just think they are more interested with hanging out with couples. Like them. I do believe that if I was attached we would hang out much more.
However, I do not see myself as falling short when it comes to having a boyfriend. I may not be dating but a guy shouldn't define my life. People should want to hang with me whether I have a boyfriend or not.
In this town it is hard to find friends if you do not go to normal high school. Especially if you don't want to hang with druggie losers.
I guess I am just flat out complaining that I have nothing to do with my life. I miss some of the people at my old school but I don't miss what most of them were about. I just don't fit in with that scene.
It is partially my fault because I put up this wall with people. And I try not to let them in. Some persevere and break it down but most don't bother. High School is supposed to be the time of your life but I am far from that. Something in my life needs to change but I can't think of what that should be.

Good morning beautiful.

Another morning with nothing to do until work.

So my life story, here it is in a nut shell.

I was born October 18, 1992 in Seattle, WA. A week later than expected.

My mom and dad were not married and by the time I was two they had split.

Until I was four I still saw my dad consistently. Due to circumstances between my

Mom and Dad, the contact with him was cut off and I did not talk to him again

until I was 13. When I was four and lived in some apartments in a bad neighborhood,

I experienced something no child or adult should have to. Nothing much happened until

I was in the sixth grade. That was the year that I had transitional PTSD and anxiety.

I missed 87 consecutive days of school. I would not come out of my room and for

certain reasons my mom didn't say anything to me, or even really notice how sad I was.

Finally, my Mom realized something was wrong and got me help. I still finished the sixth grade without having to go to summer school.

Again, nothing really happened again until my freshman year at Washington High School.

I had found out about this school in another district called Tacoma School of the Arts. It

was everything I ever dreamed of in a school. Me, and four other students from Washington

tried out. All of us but one got in. That made me sad because the one the did not get in was really close to me. And I felt really bad. When my sophomore year started at SOTA I was so excited. I

majored in vocal music and made it into the top choir. However, I learned quickly that it was not

all it was cracked up to be. I would leave my house at 6:30 AM and not be home until 6:00 PM. That only gave me just a few short hours to do eight classes worth of homework, eat dinner, shower, and get ready for the next day. I just could not do it.

It was too hard on me so half way through my junior year I switched to the alternative school

I currently go to.

New Pathways. It is a really good choice for me and I will be starting Pierce college soon. I am

also excited for that.

I know I left out alot of details but then this would be so much longer. I'm sure things will come up very often that'll reflect on what happened in my life so far.

I'll keep blogging if you keep reading :)