Me, finally:)

Been a long time coming, idk why I don't have any pictures of me on here:)
Here goes

Without you

I feel like nothing I write is good enough.
Lately I feel like I have come down with some sort of "writer's block."
There is so much I want to write about but it is just not coming out the way I want it to.
I do not know if it is stress, or distractions, or if I have just lost my way of writing but I have lost it.
For example, I love writing assignments that you get from English class. They are always safe ground to write and express what ever you want. You can make up your own opinion and try to pass it off as yours just to challenge yourself, like you are trying to see things from someone else's point of view.
So last week I got a writing assignment to write a short story. This is normally the part where I get really excited and race home so that I could start it, but that wasn't the case. It took me until the last minute to actually write it. I looked at the paper for hours just trying to get words out.
What I wrote ended up being alright, but it just was too mediocre. I was disappointed in myself and I am beginning to wonder if my disappoinment is making my "writer's block" worse.
I really have no idea what to do.
I am sorry, even though no one reads this, that I have failed to write my amazing note-worthy rants, but I will continue to try to post some soon.

I'm moving on

I decided that I would start a new bit on my blog. Although I doubt anyone will take the time to read my blog. It is kind of like my own little outlet.
I have changed my mind on what I will write about on here, instead of writing about my life I will just free write. Let everything on my mind transfer to my blog.
I would really like to exercise my writing skills and I have figured this would be one good way of doing that.
Right now, I need to go clean and take a shower, but later, I will be back on here to start my free writes.
-Tatiana

over and over again

I feel like the only thing on my mind is finding that someone. No matter how much of a front I put on to other people it really is all I think about. This has been one hard year for me. A whole year and a half and no one wants to date me??? It isn't like I am looking for someone but am I not datable?? I don't even know. The longer it has been the more I feel like I will not find someone worth it.
I don't want to be an old lady with 10 cats alone in an apartment. I don't want people to not notice when I die... Do you know what I mean?? Like anyone is actually reading this. I think I am the only one who actually reads my blog. It is pretty sad. And I have told many people many times to check out my blog.
God am I that much of a loser???

True Colors

He wanted me to be his little thing on the side while he was dating someone else. That's what he said and then when I told him no he tried to lie to get what he wanted.
What. A. Dick. Why is it okay for guys to do that... or why do they think it is okay. It is not. And it's not cute. It just shows that they are stupid and immature. I don't want that kind of life. To be the one on the side. Because I know that there will be the "oh I like you more than her"'s and the "I'll leave her soon and we can be together"'s, well not this time buddy. I have learned that a guy will say whatever he can to get into someone's pants. It's no longer flattering.
I am so done with this bull. Why is it so hard to find someone that likes me...? Actually likes me for who I am not just because they want to sleep with me? Why is it that every guy that I meet thinks that that is all I am good for?
I don't "flaunt" myself around and I don't put up with the crap but yet guys still think that it can happen. Please tell me what it is so I can STOP DOING IT!!!!
I am so ready for someone to sweep me off their feet. I want to care about someone again without having to worry about whether they are going to hurt me or not.
On another note I am thinking about going back to my old high school, Washington. Maybe I will have more friends again. Right now I only have a few friends and I don't see them most of the time. It is very upsetting. And maybe I can meet a guy... not just to date but atleast to be interested in. I don't know. I guess we'll see where this goes.

Empty Apartment

So, haven't blogged in a long time. Well, like a week but I haven't really had much to say. So I have a feeling this blog will just be me rambling, but isn't that what a blog is? Someone rambling on and on about their life when people really don't care, or read.
So nothing has really changed in my life in the last week. I have been going to school and hanging out with friends and just enjoying the beautiful weather that has been provided to us from the sun.
Washington has been a good 50+ degrees lately and it has been amazing. I've been seeing a psychiatrist which is nice. She helps me with ways to handle my anxiety. She also helps me come to terms about things that I am still mad about that I have been keeping inside. Most of the things I haven't thought about in years really but I still kept it inside and it ate at me for so long. That's why I think this winter when my anxiety got so bad was because my body couldn't take it anymore. There was just so much and I couldn't handle it anymore and I broke. But now I am fixing myself. Picking up the pieces and fitting them back together in the puzzle called life.
I have learned to forgive those that have hurt me in the past. I have not completely gotten passed all of it but I am working on it with therapy and God. He really has changed my life for the better. People wonder why God has let them down but He hasn't, to receive you have to believe and when you believe that means that you know what you pray about you have already received but it hasn't made an appearance in your life yet. You may not get the answer you wanted but in the long run, things work out. People ask why God lets bad things happen to them, but in the end doesn't it just make you stronger? That is the whole point, God sifts us like wheat so that we can show we are truly worth His love. He put himself in flesh form just to be crucified for US! It is so amazing what He has done for us. People ask why there are bad things if God loves us so much, God gave us free will and the materials we need to survive. From there it is us, humans, who chose what we do with those materials. It was not God who came into the Forza coffee shop and shot four officers point blank. It was a hardened man, who did not know God, he made a choice to take something that man made and kill those innocent officers. That was his choice and in a sick twisted way the tragedy brought people closer to God and closer together. We have learned from these mistakes and all we can do is pray that their souls are saved. Someone once said you can not have good without bad but you can have bad without good. I believe in that to the fullest. Sin is our nature and that is where the world turns into a not so pretty place. I am not trying to push this thinking on anyone but I do want everyone to know how amazing He is. If you just let Him in and overwhelm your life, you will not be sorry. At one point in time I thought that God was just something we all made up in our minds but I see the light now. And if I could still believe after what I have been through I know that anyone can believe. Give it a chance. He loves you. He really does.
"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek Him." Hebrews 11:6

Dancing with myself

Today, has been one of those days.
The ones where you think about your life. How far you have come and what you have to show for it.
In some aspects I have a lot to show but in others I fall short.
When it comes to a social life, I am lacking greatly. I used to be a social butterfly. I knew so many people but I feel like I retracted. Causing me to now not have as many people to lean on.
My two best friends don't even talk to me as much anymore. That is not their fault at all but I just think they are more interested with hanging out with couples. Like them. I do believe that if I was attached we would hang out much more.
However, I do not see myself as falling short when it comes to having a boyfriend. I may not be dating but a guy shouldn't define my life. People should want to hang with me whether I have a boyfriend or not.
In this town it is hard to find friends if you do not go to normal high school. Especially if you don't want to hang with druggie losers.
I guess I am just flat out complaining that I have nothing to do with my life. I miss some of the people at my old school but I don't miss what most of them were about. I just don't fit in with that scene.
It is partially my fault because I put up this wall with people. And I try not to let them in. Some persevere and break it down but most don't bother. High School is supposed to be the time of your life but I am far from that. Something in my life needs to change but I can't think of what that should be.

Good morning beautiful.

Another morning with nothing to do until work.

So my life story, here it is in a nut shell.

I was born October 18, 1992 in Seattle, WA. A week later than expected.

My mom and dad were not married and by the time I was two they had split.

Until I was four I still saw my dad consistently. Due to circumstances between my

Mom and Dad, the contact with him was cut off and I did not talk to him again

until I was 13. When I was four and lived in some apartments in a bad neighborhood,

I experienced something no child or adult should have to. Nothing much happened until

I was in the sixth grade. That was the year that I had transitional PTSD and anxiety.

I missed 87 consecutive days of school. I would not come out of my room and for

certain reasons my mom didn't say anything to me, or even really notice how sad I was.

Finally, my Mom realized something was wrong and got me help. I still finished the sixth grade without having to go to summer school.

Again, nothing really happened again until my freshman year at Washington High School.

I had found out about this school in another district called Tacoma School of the Arts. It

was everything I ever dreamed of in a school. Me, and four other students from Washington

tried out. All of us but one got in. That made me sad because the one the did not get in was really close to me. And I felt really bad. When my sophomore year started at SOTA I was so excited. I

majored in vocal music and made it into the top choir. However, I learned quickly that it was not

all it was cracked up to be. I would leave my house at 6:30 AM and not be home until 6:00 PM. That only gave me just a few short hours to do eight classes worth of homework, eat dinner, shower, and get ready for the next day. I just could not do it.

It was too hard on me so half way through my junior year I switched to the alternative school

I currently go to.

New Pathways. It is a really good choice for me and I will be starting Pierce college soon. I am

also excited for that.

I know I left out alot of details but then this would be so much longer. I'm sure things will come up very often that'll reflect on what happened in my life so far.

I'll keep blogging if you keep reading :)